Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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