Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
