if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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