hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
