for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
