Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
