Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
