I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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