I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
