Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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