Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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