im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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