This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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