Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
