he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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