He disabled his match.com account in front of me
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
