My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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