My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
