I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
