dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Why are your pants in the freezer?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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