there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize