just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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