the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
