why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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