You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
