she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Church boner. Awkwardddd
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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