tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
