I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
