his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
