So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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