Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
