Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
