just survived the first fart of the relationship.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
