My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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