you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
