: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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