How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
