It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
