I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I don't deserve a penis
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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