she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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