I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
