C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
