i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
