cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Randomize
