Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
