Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
