Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
