I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
