so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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