Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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