hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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