my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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