Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
